Perception

"Don't be afraid of the X in front of that L, honey."

-Angelina Santiago

I detest shopping.  I always have.  When your clothes are twice as expensive as the rest, clearance means you're paying a smaller person's full price, and your selection is limited, there's not much joy to be had in shopping.  Add in that I am tall with an above average shoe size and shopping for myself is a miserable experience.

Or rather, was a miserable experience. 

At my heaviest, there were 5 or 6 X's in front of that L.  My selection was limited to items with glitter splayed across the chest amid motifs of flowers not found in nature.  Why yes, please, I'd love to look like a sparkly couch.  That's been my desire:  to have my girth not hidden but designed to catch attention as far as the eye can see. 

Since the surgery, I haven't really noticed my clothes changing.  It almost always has to be pointed out to me.  It's not until I bend over and nearly lose my pants that I think maybe these ARE a little big now.

You see, I'm still that lady.  Mentally, I am still the owner of those X's.  They follow me around like a prison sentence.  My perception is that I need them.  They are comforting.  They cover my shape, they keep attention at bay, and no one laughs if I think I'm invisible.

The reality is that I WASN'T invisible at 380 pounds.  The extra weight didn't protect me or provide a barrier, it made me more visible.  It drew attention like a magnet:  nearly all of it negative.  Stares, smirks, whispers, full out demeaning comments from those brave enough to just berate me out loud; I've been subjected to it all.

I was fully prepared for it to happen again.

You see, we just recently returned from vacation.  I had to walk into one of my biggest fears:  a theme park.  About three years ago (in the midst of my first round of weight loss), I got stuck.  I thought I'd lost enough to ride a ride at a fair.  Not so much.  I had to wiggle myself out of a swinging seat in front of what felt like a million people. 

As I stood in line with my rollercoaster buddy (AKA, my son), I could feel that anxiety welling up.  What if I don't fit?  What if I have to get right back up in front of all these people? What if I disappoint him?

With a 45 minute wait to the front of the line and plenty of people smaller than me to look at, I just KNEW there was no way I was going to be able to ride.  At the end of the wait, I sat down.  Pulled the lap bar across me...and heard the buzz that indicated it was locked.

It. Was. Locked.

I. Fit.

No stares.  No smirks.  No whispers.  Just me, my son, 167 feet, and 65 MPH of pure triumph.  I was able to ride on everything I wanted.  It was amazing.

On the way back, we stopped for a little shopping.  I know I need new work clothes, and I'm trying to space out purchases as much as possible to not have to buy repeatedly.  I held an XXL up to me, thinking it might be a little snug.  My mom's response?

"That's too big."

And she was right. All the tops I purchased now only have one X in front of that L.   Another top, with a more formed style, was purchased for when I could fit it later. 

It. Fits.

So that's the current focus:  working to change my perception of what fits.  Not just in clothing, but in size.  I'm not the scared girl who needs to hide behind food to be comfortable.  I no longer have to fear that I won't fit, because I fit me.  I fit my family.  I fit in this world exactly as I'm meant to fit. 

Yes, it's going to continue to change.  I know (sort of) that I'm going to eventually lose the X in front of that L. 

But for now:

It. Fits.

We Interrupt This Program...

So, I know I had planned on excursion research, but today's post is taking a slight detour.  We'll move on to Belize tomorrow...

Today was the tentative final fitting for the Matron of Honor gown (aka The Dress).  I say tentative because if it still didn't fit, then it would require alterations to let the dress out.  Not exactly an exciting prospect.  As a reminder:

At last check, our hero (aka me) was able to get the dress zipped.  That was an accomplishment in itself.  It had been 12 weeks since the dress was ordered, and I had just started the meal plan.  However, at the first fitting, the dress was less than flattering.  To be quite honest, I felt a lot like a sausage in an unnatural casing (but it DID zip!). 

That fitting was 17.6 pounds ago.  

As with weigh-ins, I was freaking out.  I know that I have been doing very well and sticking to the plan (with a few extras thrown in).  I have also been exercising daily.  But, last week's shopping trip served to make me a little skeptic about how well this dress would work out. 

It was certainly an ego boost early in the morning.  The dress fits wonderfully!  No sucking in, stiff back, praying craziness required.  I did have to help for the zipper, but only because my go-go-gadget arm had been left at home, and I couldn't reach the hook and eye closure (didn't even realize it was there last time). The dress is now hanging in my closet, awaiting our flight to Wilmington, NC.  

My next stop was to see if I could find shoes to go with the dress I bought for the rehearsal dinner and some new tennis shoes.  A little background:  shoe shopping is a nightmare for me.  When I want shoes, I do the opposite of what most other people do.  I look for my size and THEN look to see if it is a style that I like.  When you wear an 11 or 12 size woman's shoe (depending on the style),  your options tend to be limited.  

I walked past a table with a super cute pair of wedge-heeled sandals.  I took a chance and decided to look for my size.  Lo and behold, they had them!  And they are VERY comfortable!  With one knee surgery under my belt and another forthcoming (eventually), that's a tall order.  

Not only did I find those shoes, I also found a pair of tennis shoes.  K Swiss makes the only shoes that aren't extravagantly expensive and have a solid sole (again, a necessity due to the aforementioned issue with knees). They also have shoes with those requirements that don't resemble orthopedic shoes. 

When I normally shop for shoes for hours only to leave empty-handed (or bare-footed, as the case may be), it is a triumph when I can find what I need in less than 20 minutes.  Not only that, but both were on sale (which is ALWAYS a good thing).

All-in-all, today was a very good day for boosting self-esteem and reaffirming that I am on the right path.  There are days when I just want to give in and give up.  Today was NOT one of those days.  Today was the kind of day that reminds me that taking care of myself is important.  It reminds me to keep pressing on towards my goal,  Maybe not without feat but certainly with purpose.  

And with that, we now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.  Tomorrow, Belize.

In The Middle

Having tired of hearing that I need to get some new pants (currently, mine are a little saggy), I thought that I would venture to the Lane Bryant Outlet store.  I refuse to pay full price for ANY clothes, and LBO had a sale on career pants.  Thinking this would be a good idea, I drove the 1/2 hour it takes to get there.

I should have saved the fuel and the time.

 It wasn't until I started trying on clothes that I realized I am between sizes.  It is one of the bad side effects of weight loss.  I have an atypical body type anyway.  Most clothes don't fit very well anyway due to the body that PCOS has given me.  I carry my weight around the middle, and I am smaller on top and bottom.  That translates to being hard to fit.  I am not big into shopping anyway, so it means I generally skip it and make do with what I have.

Today did not change that, at least for the time being.  I have currently lost enough in weight and inches that my previous size no longer fits.  Pants that I wear to work are beginning to look sloppy, and that is not a good idea for a professional environment.  Unfortunately, I have not yet lost enough to fit into the size down.  I have never been the type of person who will buy something with the hope of fitting into it.  If it doesn't fit when I try it on, it doesn't get purchased.

And so, I wait.  I will test it again in a couple of weeks to see if I will then be ready to purchase new clothes.  Nothing major, just a couple of outfits to get me by.

Because, after all, I don't plan on being in that size for very long either.