Speaking Truth

Thanks to Holli for letting me share :)

When Holli posted that tweet about a week ago, I was struck.  The day before, I had finally worked up the nerve to write my last post.  It took so much for me to break the silence in the limited way that I did to begin to address what I have spent the last two and a half weeks trying to ignore.

What has resulted from that suppression is anxiety levels that have my OCD so out of control I am on the verge of panic attacks. Insomnia is rampant because all I can think about is the laundry list of things that need to be done in my house and at work.  I have been able to eat very little because my nerves are on edge.  I am focused on everything else that is around me to not have to focus on what is going on inside me.  My lack of control over what's going on has only served to create a circular problem:  the more control I try to exert, the less handle I have on it, the more anxiety I have, the more control I try to exert....and around and around it goes.

And so, this post is meant to take a page out of Holli's book and speak my truth out loud.  I have been testing it a little with people around me.  I can't say that it has been easy for me, because I am engaged in an internal war.  Okay, I realize that sounds a bit melodramatic, but I'm going with it anyway.

When Z was two years old, our attempts to use Clomid (which had previously resulted in two successful pregnancies) failed.   We decided to take a break and reassess what we wanted to do.  Last year, hubs and I decided to take our infertility treatments to the next level and visited a fertility clinic.  We wanted to see what our options would be.

After some fairly invasive tests for me and some very embarrassing ones for him, the road ahead for us was paved with three letters:  IVF:  in-vitro fertilization.   Since this post is about my truth and not IVF details, I will save that one for another post.  I think those dealing with it need to hear about it, but for now, I need to finish what I started.

On 9/6, after completing our second IVF round (the first one obviously failed, or this would be a COMPLETELY different post), I waited for THE call.  I had gone to Nashville to once again donate to the vampires (I mean, really, do they need THAT much blood all the time??)  I kept checking my phone, making sure I hadn't missed the call while the phone was on vibrate during my meetings.   

And then the call came. 

Hope, so dangerous.  So scary.

While I had the smallest glimmer of hope, I kept trying to prepare myself for what could be my reality.

What BECAME my new reality:  I cannot have any other children.

The IVF failed.  The science failed.  And I feel like I failed.

I feel like I failed my husband and my son.  I know I did everything I could: followed the protocol to the letter, stuck myself so many times that a pincushion had nothing on me, dealt with all the side effects, and dropped trou so many times I was ready to ask for dinner first.   I also know that I am blessed to have the child that I do, as so many others never have that joy.

And knowing all that logically isn't helping me one bit.

My husband is the oldest of nine children and has wanted more (just a couple more, even just one more), and my son has asked so many times about when he is going to get a baby brother that I am out of vague responses.    And I don't know how you tell a five year old "never."

So now, I am trying to deal with the hand I have been dealt.  I am struggling with wanting more than God has given me.  I feel guilty for being selfish, and I never want my son to think that he isn't enough. 

He is MORE than enough.  He is a bright, beautiful, amazing child, and I am lucky that God has entrusted me with his care. Every day, he follows so many of our traditions.  He asks me "Do you know what I need now?"  Then he falls into my lap for cuddles.   At bedtime, he asks me to give one of his stuffed animals extra hugs and kisses to get him through the night, and I become Mommy whatever-he-chose. The sound of "Night, Night Mommy Kangaroo" is ringing in my ears as I write this, and it will carry me through the night.

And I still want more.  I want more for him, more for his dad, more for me.  I see my mom and her siblings band together to do what is best for my papa, and I am pained by the thought that he might have to deal with any of our health issues in old age by himself.

I know the only way to move past this moment and to focus on our future is to own all my feelings and "to stay out of my own way."

And, at the top of it all, speak the truth and "let the truth speak through me."







 

The Love Boat

As of today, I have exactly one month before I can no longer change this cruise (at least, not without dishing out more money).  We have made the final decision (I think), but the details are still driving me insane.

I am fairly sure I have previously mentioned my issues with OCD.  Trip planning is not free from this problem.  You would think that because it is a vacation, I would be able to relax, go with the flow, and let the details handle themselves.

Yeah, right.

I am SO not a "go with the flow" kind of person.  I need order, I need schedules, and I need plans.  Simply allowing things to take care of themselves both unnerves me and sends the OCD into overdrive.  I then begin to obsess about all of the things that are not going to be done while I am gone.

I am seriously trying to remember that this is the celebration of the most wonderful decade of my life.  It is a celebration of the ups and downs, trials and triumphs, losses and gains. It is the celebration of overcoming the odds of a multicultural, biracial family and thriving in our mixed up life.  And with that, I know it will all be okay. We have endured infertility, infant loss, fights, and frustrations.  What's a free-flying vacation compared to that?

Will it be perfect and go off without a hitch?  Probably not. After all, our wedding didn't.  Very little has, to be quite honest.

But will it be amazing and relaxing?  Yep:  if I allow it to be.  And I am determined to let it.

Just as soon as I finalize the booking.

Overachiever

Goaded by my husband and due to feeling like I needed to be doing something "more," I have recently embarked upon the path that will ultimately end in the completion of my Master's degree.

Today, I posted my second response to the requisite discussion questions.  Next step, take a peek at what my peers have posted and comment, as applicable.  I did that, and this is when I ran into problems tonight.

All of the hard work put into my B.A. in English was formatted in the beautifully complex MLA style.  I spent HOURS stressing over formatting.  I would venture to say I spent more time with annotations and bibliographies than I did actually thinking through the composition that was the assignment du jour.

So, now that I have started my M.A., am I going to be rewarded for all of my hard work and breeze through page notations??  Ummm, nope.  The formatting for this one is APA.

I am VERY uncomfortable with not knowing everything about everything.  It is the OCD in my that requires full understanding of what I am doing before I can get started.  The result?  I have problems getting started.  The fear of mistakes and rejection are often paralyzing.  It is with this background that I went into the discussion boards.  I have to be honest.  When I see someone else's work and compare my own to it, I am not the first to say that the other person wrong.  Just the opposite is true. I often look at the work of others and wonder if that is what I am supposed to be doing.

This time, I wonder if my urge for perfection is simply causing me more work.  The other posts are simple, formatted differently, and MUCH shorter.  The other issue I find is that I am worried that others will look at my work and think I am just trying to earn brownie points.  Again, the opposite is true.   I am simply trying to ease my perfectionist ideals and complete the work on time.

But, I have decided this time to simply do my work and come what may.  This "class" allows me to not have to worry about being called out in class for finishing something better, faster, or first.  I will never see or meet my class members, as they are spread across the United States, and we only "meet" in cyberspace.  I will fulfill my need for perfection, regardless of the length.

Only this time, I really will remember that there is a deadline, and I have to finish...even if it is just shy of perfection.