Still Wandering. Just a little lost.

As a standard rule, I am the strong one.  The rock.  The stable, dependable, stalwart one.  Basically, I am a Labrador Retriever.  Once you become the LR, it's very difficult to get out of that role. Others rely on you to be the one to whom they can come if they need a pick them up.  You are expected to have all of the answer, because you normally do.

I don't generally resent this role.  I actually relish it, because I find my mission in life to ease the worries and concerns of others.  If, for just a brief moment, I can make life a little better for someone else, then I feel as though I have fulfilled my purpose.  Lately, I have been wishing that I could really break out of this mode.  There are days where I would like to be the one who gets to step back and break down.  I would like the opportunity to just make the world stop, even for a brief moment.

Because lately, I am feeling a little empty.  I feel like I am running in circles; wearing myself out and not really getting anywhere.  And the worst part-I don't know how to change it.

It was during my most recent search for something to sing during church service in a couple of weeks, that I stumbled across a song called Resurrection. Unlike most songs on the subject, this one speaks of personal resurrection.  It is in listening to this song that I realize why I don't know how to change things.  It's because I CAN'T.  No matter how much I want to take my life by the reigns and go in the direction I want, I know that this is the actual root cause of my problem.

The chorus of this song says "Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection." And that's the way it feels.  I feel like I keep coming back again and again to have the scattered pieces put back together.  

Isn't that what's supposed to happen?  In my human mind, I think that I should be as strong as the other humans around me expect me to be.  But God doesn't.  He doesn't expect me to be the LR.  He isn't coming to me to be rebuilt and be formed once again.  That's not how it works.  Instead, He's the rock.  He's the strong one.  He's the stable, dependable, stalwart one.  And in remembering that, I continue to wander, feeling a little less lost.