Heavy

While I was perusing the endless world of On Demand searching for "something special" per request of Z, I saw a commercial for "Heavy," a new series on A&E.  In the same tradition of "Intervention" and "Hoarders," "Heavy" focuses on two individuals looking to save their lives by changing their eating and exercise habits.  

Rather than focus on weight loss surgeries (which I believe to be entirely necessary for some people, but that's another post), the show takes two people out of their lives for 30 days to work solely on retraining them in the areas of food and weight loss.  They employ trainers, dietitians, and therapists to ensure that all aspects are addressed.   There is no competition here.  No prizes to be won, other than getting life back.

So, I thought I'd take a peek.

I was very struck by Jodi (one of the participants) on the first show.  In the middle of exercising, she had a breakdown.  It's one that I have had time and time again.

You see, when I have started on this journey in the past, I have been excited about the beginning.  I go in with guns blazing, knowing that I am going to do it this time.  I am not going to fail.

Jodi was the same way, but she found herself stumbling over the same roadblock I have in the past: the expectation that you should be doing more.  It's the idea that you can take it off in an instant.  That you should be dropping pounds like sweat.  You have spent so much time ignoring yourself that you expect to be superwoman.  And you have watched so many episodes of "The Biggest Loser," that you believe it's completely normal to lose 8-10 pounds a week (not outside the highly regimented life of The Ranch, it's not).

For me, when that didn't happen before, I gave up.  I figured if I couldn't see immediate results, then it meant I had failed...again.  But this time, it's different.

And I have no idea why.

Ever since I had a Twitter conversation with Holli a couple of weeks ago, I have been trying to find the answer. I know my relationship with food is different, I just don't know why.  I know that I have stopped looking at it as "I only lost X pounds/ounces, whatever" this week and now think "Sweet!  Lighter than last week!," but again, I don't know why.

And, while I wait for that answer to come to me, I keep pressing on.  I look at how far I have come.  I am now six pants sizes and two shirt sizes smaller.  I play with my son, and he doesn't have to slow down.  I enjoy finding new ways to eat my old favorite foods, and I have discovered that I really do like to cook.

My journey is far from over.  But I no longer think I have miles and miles left to go.  I enjoy my small victories and know that I am making changes that will last a lifetime.  I know that I am teaching my son to have a healthy relationship with food and a love of being active.

As a check-in, I am almost halfway to the 30 pounds I wanted to lose before the cruise leaves in March.  WHEN I make it, I will be a total of 60 pounds lighter (which is the average weight of a 9 year old boy).

On the eve of the six month anniversary of the start of this journey, I am healthier and happier than I have been in such a long time.  I love me.  Not in the egotistical, narcissistic way.  But in the way that drives me to be better for myself.

In the end, maybe that's the answer.  Maybe it has to be about me first.

And now, it is.

Just Enough

A month ago, I received a very daunting bag of goo and some instructions.  A coworker of my husband's had sent home the Amish Friendship Bread starter.  I haven't had any in such a long time that I readily agreed to take the starter.

Basic info:  you add stuff to the goo on day six.  On day ten, you add more stuff, split the goo, add more goodies, bake, keep one of the new starters, and give the other three away with the instructions.  The smell of cinnamon fills the house as it bakes. 

I am now on my third round of baking.  Once you have given one away, that person now has his/her own Friendship Bread starter (and three more of his/her own to give away).   So, you have to find new people who want them.   Each time, I have wondered how I am going to find three new people to give the starter.

And each time, all three end up with new homes.

On the last round, I gave a starter to a dear friend at work.  Yesterday, we were discussing that it was almost time to bake and he said he wasn't sure if he had everything he needed.  I told him not to buy a lot of extras, I thought I had plenty. I knew I this was true of the baking soda, baking powder, and pudding needed for the bread.   I thought I also had enough flour to share, since he was only one cup short.

In order to have enough flour to make the new starters and the bread, you need three and a half cups of flour.  When I measured the amount of flour I had left last night, I had four and a half cups.

One cup extra.  Just enough.

To add to that, when I went to use the sugar from the canister, I had three cups of sugar left.   And what do you know?  You need three cups to make the new starters and bread.

Just enough.  

Cautiously Optimistic

I have mentioned before that I try to be an optimistic person.  I know there is much suffering in the world, some of it in my own family in Kenya.  I know I have been blessed.  

It's part of what makes my current assignment at The Company difficult to digest on some days.  I know it's your lifeline.  I get that.  It is important, however, to keep everything in perspective.

So, in an effort to get back to what I love (working directly with reps at The Company), I applied to work with the newest members of The Company's family (the new hires).

Internal candidate form completed. Resume updated. Impressive cover letter written. All submitted before the deadline.

And then the call.

I got a call last night telling me I would have an interview TODAY, as in less than 24 hours later.   Providing the silver lining is @bluebelleinbg, who keeps me centered in the craziness.   The bright side provided? Less time to stress.

So true.

I woke up, donned the suit, and planned to get to work early to pull data I needed, easing into my day.   Got Z up and dressed and on the way out the door, when I saw my first roadblock to an easy day.   The flat tire.

But, still a silver lining: I had a four hour drive between home and college and was taught before my first day of school how to change a tire.  Additionally, the tire was flat at home instead of out on the road with my toddler.    

So, off came the suit, on came the grubby clothes.  Hubs woke up and provided muscle and 12 minutes later, the tire was changed.   With the promise of a new tire by afternoon, I left my car in his capable hands, donned the suit (again), packed up the boy, and was on my way.

The interview went okay, I think.  I tend to be very critical of myself, and it is easier to think of all of the things I should have said instead of what I said well.

I remain cautiously optimistic.  I hope my qualifications and passion can outweigh my mediocre interview.  I would LOVE to have one of the two positions.  My caution doesn't outweigh my desire to be successful, it is just insulation to ensure that I can continue to be successful in the face of challenges.

And so, I wait for news.   We'll see how it goes.  Either way, I am prepared for the answer.

And waiting for the silver lining.

  

Ends and Beginnings

I cannot believe how quickly 2010 passed.  Regardless of how I would like for time to stand still, it inevitably continues to speed by with no hint of slowing.  To know where I am going for 2011, I have to look back on where I have been through last year.

Last year, I found myself wanting more.  Not more stuff, I have plenty of that.  I wanted more to my life.  More joy, more belonging, more of that seemingly undefinable feeling that makes a person sigh with contentment.

And so, I set out to find more.

The first thing I wanted more of was life, which required me to actually work on having less.  Less food, less excuses, less resting on my previous failures.  This didn't come at the start of the year.  I didn't really decide to have more of life until I had the first conversation with Dr. B on July 31st.   The goal was set (lose 50 pounds by the end of the year) and the (meal) plan was put in place.

Results?  42 pounds gone.  Was it 50?  Nope.  But that wasn't important. What is  important is that I lost the excuses and the defeat and instead of  "I didn't meet my goal. I give up" (my previous M.O.), my thought was "I ROCK!!  I lost 42 pounds!!"

And now I have more.  More confidence.  More support.  And more room in my jeans (I really need to go shopping).

I also have more joy in playing with my son.  I don't get tired as easily, which means more time to play together.   So much more.

I also went for more belonging in 2010.  I had grown tired of feeling out of place, so we found a new church in 2010.  And the happiness and comfort in this decision carries us into 2011.   Each time we enter the church, someone new greets us warmly.  It is as if we have been part of St. Paul's all our lives.  Just today, I was told how lucky we were to have found a church family like this.  I find it more God's intervention than luck, but I knew what she meant.

And so, I say goodbye to 2010.  But I am not saying goodbye to the lessons learned and the more that I gained.

In 2011, I am holding on to more life, more joy, and more us.  My life is full, beautiful, blessed.  I enter 2011 with hope and excitement.  I am in a position to enjoy more of life by working my weight loss plan.  My goal this year is to lose 100 pounds.  It's daunting, yes.  But it is also completely within my control to do it.

And I WILL do it.