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| photo from iacmusic.com |
In the last year, I have really tried to focus on my prayer life and on letting go of some of that control. My goal in life is to put His goals first, allowing God to show me direction and guide me to be the best wife, mother, and person I can be. For someone as controlled as I am, this is my continued struggle.
However, the past year has been a series of eye-opening lessons for me. I watched my Pop succumb to the most evil disease on the planet. Through it, I prayed. I prayed for peace for my mother, my son, my family, myself. I prayed for comfort for him and delivery from the cancer that robbed him of who he was. He knew that I wanted to go back to school to make some life changes, and he pushed me to do that. When the first path back to school ended in a closed door due to schedule flexibility, I simply prayed. I prayed that if that was my new path, then I prayed that another door would be opened. And it was.
I learned that I had missed the application date for the program I wanted, but that was okay. I had been out of school so long that I had to take some prerequisite classes anyway before I could apply, and that has worked out well. I passed my placement test with no worries, and I am currently taking the last required class before I apply. I had a plan, going according to plan, to start the program in January 2015. This would give me enough time to have the gastric sleeve surgery that was planned, heal from the surgery, and get started on the program.
Best laid plans of Mice and Men and all that...
Because now the plans have to change again, but for the best possible reason.
When I wrote this post about a year and a half ago, I expected that to be my reality. Part of the reason for working on my prayer life was to be able to reconcile the idea that Z would be an only child. A few months after that was written, I decided to pass along Z's baby clothes to a friend who was having twin boys. I passed my maternity clothes to Goodwill, so I could move forward and focus on my family as it was. The trip to Disney that was going to be delayed for a few more years was taken (and will be taken again). I settled into my reality.
Needless to say, my first reaction was shock. Most everyone's has been.
My mom has had the BEST reaction so far: pure joy. Her faith and trust and strength have always been an inspiration for me, and this time it's no different.
So far, most of this pregnancy has gone okay. I definitely don't remember being quite this sick with my son, but I will take every ache, pain, and bit of nausea and ickiness for opportunity. I know I'm VERY blessed to have another child. I don't, however, think that negates my right to complain a little (or a lot) about how I'm feeling. Having endured 13 and a half years of infertility treatment and testing, I think I've earned a little whining about not being able to eat...ANYTHING.
Right now, everything is going well. I still plan on going to school, just a year later than expected. Since our children will celebrate their birthdays very close together (possible within a day of each other, since I will have a scheduled c-section), I'm not comfortable heading to a full time program with a new baby.
The plan is to continue what I've been doing: pray for the best, follow HIS plan and not mine, and work through each moment, step by step.
