Two Sizes Too Small

photo from aoltv.com

I admit it.  I have a case of the Grinch. My normal abundance of Christmas cheer is nowhere to be seen.

While Christmas isn't my favorite time of year under the best of circumstances (that honor is reserved for St. Patrick's Day), I do normally look on this time of year with at least a little anticipation.

This Christmas is different.  I didn't rush to put up my tree.  I haven't volunteered to listen to Christmas Carols (although I have been forced to listen to them under duress).

For a while, I couldn't really put my finger on why I was feeling this way.  I normally am chipper and have childlike excitement about Christmas, particularly when seeing my son's eyes fill with joy after Santa's visit.  It is in my son that I found both my reason and my fix.

You see, Z turned five this year.  It has been such a bittersweet birthday that I have battled with being thrilled about it.  On one hand, I LOVE watching him grow and develop into his own person.  I see so many pieces of A and myself in him, and then I see pieces that are purely Z.  The world though his eyes is just an amazing place.  There is so much to learn, so much to discover, so much living to do.

For me, this is the reason for my melancholy.   While I love watching him grow and develop, it also makes me sad.  With each passing minute, hour, day, month, and year, I know that is a little more time that is slipping away.  I would not trade even a second that I have spent with him:  I just want more of them.  Greedy?  Probably.  Possible?  Of course not (time waits for no man).

photo mine

Z also provided my cure.  This past weekend, we took him to see the lights at Opryland Hotel.  There are three main conservatories that are decorated for Christmas.  As Z walked around, eyes aglow with wonder, pointing and shouting "See Mommy!!,"  it was impossible not to have a lighter heart.  That overwhelming, childlike joy was so contagious.

I remembered what someone told me once.  She said that "sometimes we spend so much time worrying about what we don't have that we forget to be thankful for what we do."  I want more time with Z, but it will do no good to spend time worrying about how fast time is passing and forget to relish the time I DO have.

And as I watched him run this and that way,
I remembered the beauty in childlike play.
I made a choice to push worry away,
And my heart grew three sizes that day.

Merry Christmas!!