Out of Place

My entire life, I have felt on the edge.  In school, I wasn't exactly a standout.  I did well academically, but while there were those around me who had one subject they excelled at over the others, I didn't.  I was the jack of all trades and the master of none.

This has really continued into my adult life.  As I have gotten older, I have probably become more and more guarded.  With a hidden desire to find my place, this doesn't really help me reach that end.   I want to feel like I have a place, I am just not sure really how to find it.

My self-esteem issues as a child and young adult have passed into my adult life in some aspects.  I want to be accepted for who I am, even though I am still learning who that is.  I spent such a great deal of time being looked over that I am not exactly sure what it feels like to be looked at. 

Six weeks ago, I decided to make a major change for us as a family.  My son and I started to attend St. Paul's Episcopal Church at the advice of some wonderful people.  It was a huge change, but I believe change, when entered into at the best time, is a good thing.  When I first started attending, I was amazed at how friendly and welcoming everyone seemed to be. I was cautiously optimistic, really waiting for it to change.

It had been such a long time since I felt that warm, welcoming feeling that I had grown accustomed to cold distance. I am fairly confident that this isn't how you are supposed to feel in church, but it had become that way.  I felt like I was opening myself up to those around me (in our old church) and not feeling much in return.  My method of stepping out is to take a couple of steps forward and wait for the same to be done on the other side.  Over time, we meet in the middle.  I felt like I was walking across a never-ending chasm.  That no matter how many steps I took, I would never reach the other side.

Since we started attending St. Paul's, I have felt such a renewed lease on belonging.  I have begun to believe that the welcoming nature of the people in this church is at their heart, not just how it will be in the beginning.  A couple of weeks ago, I decided to ask for a nametag to be made.  St. Paul's does this so that people can get to know one another.  For me, making this small decision was the first step on a journey to be a part of something.   I feel like a piece of the whole.  In a world where most people fight to stand out, I simply want to fit in.   And at St. Paul's, I do.

Even without that nametag, I have never felt more welcome.  People I have never met before greet me weekly like I am an old friend.  My son has been cuddled and coddled and has been more open than I have ever seen him.  

Each week, I feel more and more like this was the right decision for us.  I know that this is just a small, small step on a much longer journey.  I am enjoying journey and following the road before me.

I can't wait to see where it leads.